Betrayal

Eve and I have a special relationship that has come as a complete and joyous surprise to me. We are similar in so many ways that it's been very easy to communicate with her from the beginning. My struggle sometimes, is between being her friend and confidante and being her Stepwhatever and Daddy's source of important info on what's going on in his daughter's life.

I promised myself and Daddy early-on that I wouldn't engage either of the kids on anything that happens in Biomom's world. For one, it makes me uncomfortable to hear about Biomom and her boyfriend, and for another, it just doesn't seem like a good idea to ask the kids specifics about what goes on outside of our world. Life is confusing enough to little kids, they don't need to be questioned by their guardians. That being said, Eve has been using me lately as a sounding board for her "issues" in Biomom's world.

I have a short-list of ways I respond to Eve when she talks to me about her other world; for good things I tell her that I'm happy that she's happy, for the bad things I tell her "oh, that's a bummer", or "That's too bad kiddo". As hard as it is for me not to dig deeper into her grievances, to make it all better and help talk her through it, that's Daddy and Biomom's job. I think it's my responsibility though, especially at Eve's age, to let Daddy in on what exactly she shares with me. Lately Eve's been concerned with interstate travel (long drives in a car when she could be with us or her grandparents), and with the frequent addition of Biomom's boyfriends' 3 children into their home. I can't imagine being Eve's age and having to share your home with 3 new children who weren't raised with the same values and behavior standards.

As recently as last week, little Eve shared with me that she did NOT want to travel to another state to visit the other kids and they haven't exactly been that nice to Adam and Eve while staying with them at Biomom's home. My heart breaks for her, but it's not my place to do anything but let Daddy know. After dropping the kiddos off at Biomom's house, Daddy and I discussed what Eve told me and he was concerned enough to confront Biomom about what was happening. Unfortunately parenting isn't always by the book and while one parent tries to do the right thing, another parent may not. Instead of discussing Eve's problem between themselves, Biomom confronted Eve and made her confess through her tears on the phone, that she lied about not liking the Boyfriends' kids.

I know what you're thinking....believe me...despicable and foul and wrong and un-mommy-like were the words that rushed through my head too! How could someone be so callous? As always, I try to put things into perspective and in this instance I put myself in Biomom's shoes. Here is her ex-husband telling her that Eve told him something that maybe she didn't know. Biomom's first reaction was probably to go straight to Eve and ask pointedly "Why don't you like Boyfriend's kids?!" If I was 7 I'd probably back-track and either lie or say whatever needed to be said to get my mom to stop being mad at me. Daddy and I don't know yet what led to the tearful phone call or what happened on the interstate trip to visit those kids, we can only hope that something good can come from this and communication between Eve and Biomom can focus on why Eve feels the way she does about the Boyfriends' kids.

I wonder what we could have done differently to prevent the outcome? Did I do the right thing by letting Daddy know what his daughter told me in confidence? Was Biomom right or wrong in confronting Eve so abruptly about her feelings? Advice, sympathy and similar stories are greatly appreciated.

-Stepwhatever

What's in a name?

I am not a Mother. I am not a Wife. I am a Girlfriend who chooses not to be either of the latter...yet. I am a parental figure in the lives of two amazing children who henceforth and hitherto will be referred to as Adam and Eve. My Boyfriend who could easily pass for an amazing husband will go by the name of Daddy. You can call me Stepwhatever.

Having never dated a man with kids before, meeting Daddy was not in my life-plan. As a recently divorced twenty-something I was discovering a new and frightening world of dating in my small hometown. I was set up by friends, courted on Myspace, and hooked up at bars until after about a year I decided to STOP looking for someone. I focused on work, friends, and myself for once, finally taking the time alone needed to really find out what kind of person I was. It sounds cliche right? It works, though. I realized so much in my time alone, mostly after some reflection, I found out what I can bring to a relationship and what I don't need a man to provide for me.

I met Daddy through a mutual friend of mine while he was on vacation from out of state. We had known each other many years earlier from our school days but we never really spoke since we ran in different social circles. We look back now and realize that the time in between school and when we re-met was crucial to our new connection. Our similar life paths and ultimate heartbreak brought us to closer than I think we both were ready for at the time. Luckily for both of us, communication and honesty was easy from the start and thus we poured the foundation of what has been a solid relationship.

Talk of his children was light at first, Daddy and I were doing a long-distance feel-it-out kind of thing. I visited him, he visited me, we talked about the type of future we were both looking for and found that we agreed mutually on a lot of important things. As we progressed over the months, Adam and Eve were topics of many conversations ranging from "What are they like?" to "Do you think they'll like me?" and I was feeling more comfortable in my position as the woman in his life.

The day is a blur to me now, over a year later. I remember vividly, meeting the kids and seeing them interact with Daddy made me love him more and feel connected to them in ways I didn't understand. I have to admit, I read some books, I looked online a bit, tried to find out the best way to act around the kids the first time I met them. Nothing prepared me for what happened- I wish I would have read something honest and realistic like that..."DON'T BOTHER PREPARING, EVERY KID IS DIFFERENT- JUST GO WITH IT!" Boy was I lucky, I know this. We had a great day and everything went well, no awkward silences, no hurt feelings; just swingsets and Ice cream.

With stepkids, come biological parents right? You've met Adam and Eve and Daddy, now it's time to introduce their mother, Daddy's ex-wife. I'm not going to call her Mommy, mostly cause to me that's a term of endearment and at this point in our limited daily interaction, neither of us are endearing to the other. Let's call her Biomom, as in Biological mother. I'm comfortable with that. Just like kids, exes are unpredictable and each one is different. I can't say I did too much research when it came to dealing with Daddy's ex but I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have prepared me anyway.

Before I moved in with Daddy, I had naieve visions in my head of Biomom and I chatting about the kids' homework and discussing their activities and milestones in a civilized manner. I'm not the type of person to be mean to someone just because I shouldn't like them so I came to my new home with an open mind and unfortunately, an unrealistic goal. After a few encounters early on with Biomom, it became clear that she and I won't be communicating with one another. I have since decided that Daddy went to court to deal with Biomom, I did not. I'll leave the communication to him so that Biomom can never twist my words into something that was never said. This works for Daddy and I, not necessarily everyone.

As I wrote earlier in this post, I've been a Stepwhatever for over a year now. I started this blog because although I research Stepmom topics online, there really isn't much written about the Stepwhatevers....the Committed Unmarried partners of men and women with children. There's no official name for what I am to Adam and Eve. I'm not their mom, I'm not Daddy's wife, I am currently my first name to them and I'm sure it's as confusing to them as it is to me sometimes. I have come to realize that no matter what my name is to the children, or to the outside world, my responsibility is to love Adam and Eve and to be civil and non-confrontational with Biomom no matter what. My job as a Stepwhatever is also to be a constant in the childrens' lives and to support Daddy unconditionally when it comes to his role as their parent and the Man of the house.

I have a general idea of what I want to write from this starting point, I don't have a schedule yet but I have so many things to write about and so many QUESTIONS. We have Adam and Eve on a pretty regular basis and every time we see them there's a blogs-worth of stuff to write and there's usually something note-worthy happening when we drop them off at Biomom's house. In short, there's never a dull moment!!

Thanks for checking out the first of hopefully many posts.

-STEPWHATEVER